June 4th & 11th, 2018 - Silver Tiger

Dear TNY,

Ugh.  “Silver Tiger.”  Are you fucking kidding?  Here’s the thing, guys. I’ve got an eight-year-old.  He writes stories. His stories are detailed, original, funny, and often contain the semblances of universal human themes.  He does fantastic work. But anyone who reads them knows they are written by a child. Sentence structure, character names, vocabulary...clear giveaways that he’s a kid.  And as much as I love the little dude and his stories, THEY DON’T FUCKING BELONG ON THE PAGES OF A LITERARY MAGAZINE.

Why in the name of sweet baby Jesus did you fucking publish this trash?  Not only does it sound like it was written by a child, it suffers from POV shifting that is infuriating, a plot that wanders around like a drunk and passes out with no discernible conclusion, and there are a near-not-hyperbolic million things that go unexplained and make no fucking sense.  Hey, guys, I’m just gonna burn this money by this tree. Don’t mind me.

As a reminder, this is not about the author.  It never is. As authors, we fuck up. This is about you, TNY.  Because you fucked up. This story would not have gotten praise in mid-school.  Or high school. It would never, and I mean NEVER, survive workshop at undergrad.  And if this were brought to a grad level workshop, the director of the program would have to ask the student to leave.  This motherfucker is an abomination.  And, laughably, you published it instead of the oceans of great work in the slushpile you never read.  

Also, if you are going for kids' books, The Giving Tree is a better pick and wouldn't make you look so unprofessional.

Thanks for once again confirming that it’s really hard to read the submissions you receive your head is up your own ass.

Until next time (which happens to be in a few minutes because you dropped three stories in one day but I’m not sure I have enough beer for this),

Nick