October 7th, 2019 - Shape-Ups at Delilah's

Dear TNY,

Wow.  “Shape-Ups at Delilah’s”. 

I think you owe the world a few apologies.  Will you please apologize to:

-        All of the trees that were murdered in the pursuit of this story.  This paper is absolutely wasted.

-        Every living being on this planet as the murder of those trees and the carbon release in doing so has furthered this biological spaceship down the path of irreconcilable damages.

-        The aforementioned parties with regard to the further destruction of the environment at the hands of fossil fuels utilized to generate the energy to broadcast this “story” on electronic devices.

-        The entirety of authors in the literary canon before the year 2000, with some notable post 2000 entries (e.g. George Saunders & Wells Tower), for demolishing the artistic standards which have been established by said authors over all human existence and replacing them with a poorly cropped picture of, as my good friend Ben likes to call them, the Crab Rangoon Drizzles, and furthermore, by virtue of leading by example, fostering the desire in current “writers” to emulate said drizzles with words such that the whole of the “literature” scene is nothing but a shit-covered, used condom you’d be appalled at if said item ended up on the stoop of your brownstone walk-up on a random Sunday whilst you and your family were stepping out for brunch.

Quick break here.  I’m seriously laughing so hard at that last one.  Not to toot my own horn, but that shit fucking glorious.  Aw man.  That feels good to laugh.

Okay, more apologies

-        Me.  You own me a fucking apology.  Because I had this belief that you were the best of the best but it just turns out that you are a clique and that clique completely disregards real literature in favor of…fuck, bro; I don’t even know what to call most of what you publish.  Stories from an MFA workshop that would make me regret choosing that degree as my educational path?  Disappointment?  Weekly confirmation that humankind is headed for the fucking shitter?  Bumf? 

-        Specifically ever other author that writes from an underrepresented voice, like this story was written from, who has real fucking chops and can tell a fucking story, but you passed on in favor of this bucket of slop-garbage.  I am not one of those writers.  I know why you pass on me.  But it’s super fucking disrespectful to the other writers out there that are writing legitimate literature and are voices we need in the literary canon that you are ignoring in favor of shit like this.  I refuse to believe this is the best of the of underrepresented voices.  Fuck, I know it’s not.  I’ve read better shit from friends and less prestigious magazines.  Be.  Fucking.  Better. 

That’s probably enough.  Seriously, though.  How often do you step back and say to yourself, “I’m a piece of shit.”?  Because that shit matters.  I do that every goddamn day.  I keep thinking how much of a huge piece of shit I am and where I fucked up and how I’m just going to keep fucking up.  And that’s good.  That self-check is good.  Means I work harder at being better.  Means I never arrive.  That I’m always on a journey.  Always trying harder.  You guys seem to think you have arrived and now you are just pushing lower and lower standards because you aren’t self-checking.

IT’S SO FUCKING AGGRAVATING TO ME THAT YOU AND YOUR ILK ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR MOVING LITERATURE FORWARD AND MAKING BETTER ART AND BETTER HUMANS THROUGH ART BUT INSTEAD YOU ARE WORKING YOUR…EGO…LIKE A 16-YEAR-OLD BOY WHOSE HOME ALONE AND HAS ACCESS TO THE INTERNET.

I’m out, fuckwads.  Thanks for nothing.  But that one line.  I’m still laughing.

Nick