October 25th, 2021 - The Umbrella

Dear TNY,

What an abortion “The Umbrella” is.

I’m so sick of this fucking victimhood in writing these days, you guys being a top tier champion of it.  This bitch ain’t real.  You know why?  She never does anything wrong.  You know who never does anything wrong in real life?  Karen.  The man is the villain, natch.  Because men have no qualities of goodness whatsoever.  And the mom is, I don’t know, that little seal inside the spout of an orange juice carton; that’s the value I see in her, anyway (specifically, after the seal has been removed). 

Who fucking cares.  There is no redeemable quality to this story at all.  It’s +90% summary.  Summarizing a completely useless waste of human fucking energy.  That you, TNY, a whole fucking office full of educated and well-paid humans, deemed was “good”.  What the fucking fuck-ass shit is wrong with you?  You’re so fucking dumb it physically hurts me.  I’m going to have to go stretch after this.  Maybe take some aspirin or something.  Sacrifice a lamb to whatever gods people believe in these days in the hopes that you’ll all collectively pull your pampered, navel-gazing heads out of your asses and return to fucking form of yore.  You should be embarrassed of yourselves.  Like, seriously.  Your parents wasted their money on your education.  You should look into that.  There’s been some sort of fraud.  Because human fucking instinct has evolved the ability to differentiate a good story from bad one (see: Joseph Campbell) and I think maybe your whole staff paid for the opportunity to have evolution wiped from you brains and replaced with a tiny little baby bird, fashioned in the style of a tufted titmouse, constructed from 27,654 dingleberries harvested only from men (with the thickest of ass hair) who have eaten a strict diet of Taco Bell for a week straight, and this bird of cobbled together dingleberries is about an inch tall and lives in that space in your brain where things like Beauty, Common Sense, Art, Love, and Dancing with Abandon should be.  And the kicker?  The bird has dingleberries of its own, that it slowly sheds, filling up your cranial space and killing the remainder of your already defunct brain!

And he broke the umbrella!  I’ve never been so fucking invested or surprised in a story! Ever!  I cannot believe the opportunity I was gifted to grace my eyes with these pages!  What glory He hath wrought!

Fuck your dumbasses right to the goddamn grave.

XOXOXO

Nick