March 15th, 2021 - The Shape of a Teardrop

Dear TNY,

Today is my last full day here in sunny SoCal and I just got done reading “The Shape of a Teardrop”.

And you should know, it was a struggle to finish.  I just couldn’t find anything to like about it.  The son is about as two-dimensional as it gets.  As the reader, I knew he wasn’t going to turn it around by the end.  Still bilking his mom.  Still avoiding his responsibilities.  Still blaming the world for his shit.  An unlikeable character who isn’t interesting to read. Generally, interesting characters go on a fucking journey of some kind. Internal, external. Etc. They reach a point of transition and have to make a decision (at least in the theory of one of my most respected mates that’s how it works). So, were these pieces in place for the MC? Yep. And that’s a testament to how fucking uninteresting he was, in addition to the fact that he chose to be the same dickball the whole time.

And the mom?  Same two dimensions, just a different direction.  She’s stern but loving.  Adores the grandbaby.  Never changes. Blah blah fucking blah.

I wanted to stop reading this about halfway through but I didn’t because I sometimes hear the voice of an FTNY reader in my head asking how I could possibly chide a story without at least reading the whole thing. Fair.  The only interesting thing that happened was the countersue, and that shit was pathetic and didn’t even bear fruit.  And it happened more than halfway through the story.  Also, the whole time I was reading this, I was thinking about how much it reminded me of that story about the guy from India suing his parents for life.  AND THEN THE AUTHOR JUST ADMITS THAT THIS STORY AT LEAST PARTLY WAS RIPPING THAT OFF.

Ugh. 

I ask you, TNY, what’s to like about this?  How is this story going to break my heart?  Anyone’s heart?  Who was this written for?  Why did you publish it?

Because of the author.  That’s why.

Goddamn name-based publishing with you motherfuckers.  Makes a fella sick. Tears the shirt off of a whole industry and shits right on its goddamn chest before slapping that hot mess with a boat paddle. Fuck my face, what a waste of perfectly good paper you are.

I’m done.

Fuck off.

Nick