September 13th, 2021 - The Monkey Who Speaks

Dear TNY,

Fuck “The Monkey Who Speaks” and fuck you for publishing it.

Who has time for this?  What is the target audience for this beige-ass shit?  What motivation do you have to publish stories in which the author doesn’t have the skill or desire to make his or her characters beautiful? 

I just fucking can’t with this shit.  Like, you guys are supposed to be the line of defense against romance novels and a world awash in shitty sci-fi and fucking Dan Brown books and his legions of knockoffs.  And what you have responded with is literature that’s so fucking pointless and dry that you 1) derail any interest from “regular” people (by regular, I mean unpretentious, middle class and middle education folks; not your typical reader, the pompous, overly-educated douchemonger with an inability to self reflect and/or be wrong) and 2) via that derailment, you create classism.  Now, I’m not here to sort out whether classism should or should not exist or whether there may or may not be benefits.  But I am here to say that this story, and stories like this, existing as a divider, something to separate classes, is fucking obscene.  It’s like you are worshipping used toilet paper and that somehow the worshipping of it makes the people who don’t worship it feel smaller, less educated, and bolsters their disdain for your “elite” group.

Oh, I should review the story:  There are a million dead-end characters, all unfleshed.  There’s no attention to anything other than a journalistic documentation of this story, poorly at best, so there’s no freshness, flourish, or beauty.  It’s completely obvious that she’ll find the movie by the end.  The story spends time in NYC, which, as covered a million times in the past, no one gives a fuck about.  The story is too long, as it is written now, because it’s cumbersome and boring; if the writing were to change, and be, you know, GOOD, then it could sustain this length.  But as it stands now, it’s about 5k too long.  Oh, and it has no redeeming qualities.

But good on you.  Changing the world.  One dumpfest at a time.

Later, chode-sters.

Nick