December 30th, 2024 - The Leper

Dear TNY,

I’m a week late on “The Leper” and I couldn’t get past the first thousand words.  Feels like another “nothing happens” story.

I’m a week late because I feel like shit. Why do I feel like shit? Because I still love her with all my heart and miss her throughout the day. Call me pathetic. It’s fine. Even if everyone in the world, including her, said it was the wrong answer, I’d still think it was right. You guys forget how smart I am. She’s the smart choice, you just aren’t thinking fifth dimensionally. 

I had to stop the meds because they were making so much serotonin uptake in my abdomen that I was gagging thirty times in a row and barely able to eat.  I can eat a bit more now, but not enough.  I have waterbutt pretty consistently.  My dreams are sweaty and haunted.  And I don’t even have the motivation to make a good time for my kids, whom I have right now.  We are staying in Oregon on the coast at The Wizard of Kindnesses house and so far watching movies, making great food for the boys to eat, playing Mario Party, playing board games, and shooting the shit.  It’s crazy how old they are now.  And how mature.  And how helpful.  And how beautiful. 

And how fucking accepting.  As I sit on the couch and hold my belly and cry while we watch comedies and action movies only (no sad shit, man; I cried in Mr. and Mrs. Smith the other day for chrissakes).  And they help with everything, the boys.  And they don’t shame me.  And they laugh when I try to laugh it off.  They grew up to be good men.  Goddamn good men.  I know they are worried.  Getting a lot of worried texts lately from a few friends.  I just can’t find it in me, guys.  I spent so much time taking care of everyone else that I didn’t look after me.  And that just ended up not happening.  Now many of the lives around me are full and happy and good things are happening.  And I’m falling apart.  Not my life; me.  I’ve fallen down and I need help up.

But I guess they say keep doing this shit.  Sorry for the short letter.  I also can’t find it within me to care.

Nick