May 20th, 2024 - Consolation

Dear TNY,

“Consolation.”  Who cares.

Not me.  I can’t imagine that a fit reader out there would care either.  It’s just some bloke meandering around his memories of his father’s infidelities and his mother’s anger.  There’s sex in this and it’s still boring.  It’s too long and could be cut in half.  And it’s just the guy reminiscing so the scenes aren’t tight and seem irrelevant.  Showing this in third person, distant perspective, particularly the mother’s death, and showing her lose her memories, would have been far more interesting and captivating.  As it stands now, this is just a shit guy telling us what happened, and due to it’s length and banal content, that makes it boring as fuck.

Whatever. 

I’m in a funk. 

This weekend I laid on the ground and smoked my pipe while watching a spectacle of Northern Lights dance before my eyes.  I said, “What a privilege to be alive.”  I meant it.  It is a privilege to be alive.  But…not really feeling it today.  I did try to climb a massive sycamore last night.  That was dope, as they say.  Very difficult. 

This morning I watched a video that has saved my life on more than one occasion.  “A Story for Tomorrow.”  I have written the man who made this film telling him so and he thanked me profusely, as I did him.  And this morning I was struck with the two questions at the end, as I always am when I watch it.  I cried.  Those questions are:

Is it possible to be happy with this life?

Did you enjoy your story?

I don’t know the answers yet.  I may never know them.  I don’t know much, honestly. 

You know, I’m not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I do bad things.  I’ve done bad things.  I’ve hurt people.  Said horrible shit.  All the negatives over here today.

But I’m really proud of my story. It’s difficult to keep doing this. Living. But goddamn it if some days aren’t laying there watching the Aurora Borealis. Or freediving with your kids in Hawai’i. Or feeling the pure, unadulterated, freely given love of a woman. 

No, this life, it doesn’t feel like a normal life…it feels more like Trainspotting. 

Choose life
Choose a job
Choose a career
Choose a family

Choose a fucking big television Choose washing machines, cars, compact disc players, and electrical tin can openers
Choose good health, low cholesterol and dental insurance
Choose fixed-interest mortgage repayments

Choose a starter home
Choose your friends
Choose leisure wear and matching luggage

Choose a three piece suit on hire purchase in a range of fucking fabrics
Choose DIY and wondering who the fuck you are on a Sunday morning
Choose sitting on that couch watching mind-numbing spirit-crushing game shows, stuffing fucking junk food into your mouth

Choose rotting away at the end of it all, pissing your last in a miserable home, nothing more than an embarrassment to the selfish, fucked-up brats you have spawned to replace yourself

Choose your future
Choose life

But why would I want to do a thing like that?
I chose not to choose life
I chose something else.

And that has made all the difference.

Nick