July 29th, 2019 - The Little King

Dear TNY,

I’ve just finished “The Little King” and I’m pretty sure I’ve never read a more terrible story in your magazine.  And I did read the whole thing.  I did so because the author’s name was too recognizable for me to avoid.  So I wanted to see what all the fucking noise was about.  Well, Bub, I can tell you it’s about nothing.  Not a goddamn thing.  This story is the highest order of straight up fucking terrible trash and every paper issue of this week’s magazine should be burned instead of read (and the online copies scrapped) such that literature isn’t further diminished by what you have chosen to publish.

The good:  Happy used the phrase “isn’t it” at the end of sentences.  I liked this and happen to know it’s authentic.  Good choice.

The bad:

Summary:  Almost all of this story was summary.  You probably already know I despise summary because it’s a distinct marker that the author is lazy/egotistical.  Let me tease egotistical a little more.  By saying that, I mean that the author believes that the narrator’s (maybe author’s depending on how many layers are worked in) telling of the story is more important than the story being told.  For instance:

…he asked, sorrowfully but with a note of finality in his voice …

So this example shows that it’s not important enough for the narrator to show us these emotions to the reader.  Instead, his/her ego is showing us that it’s more important that you know the narrator knows these things INSTEAD of the letting us experience them through scene.  Otherwise, the narrator would have given us characterization through scene because he/her would have deemed that experience for us more important.  Another example:

Very well. It is time to reveal certain secrets closely guarded by Dr. R. K. Smile and the upper-echelon executives of Smile Pharmaceuticals, Inc.

See, this is extreme fucking laziness on behalf of the narrator.  Because he/she doesn’t even take the fucking time to show the reader (in a way they can experience that data) the most basic storytelling tool (PLOT).  No, no!  Instead, the narrator decides to just fucking explain the corruption directly.  That’s some fucking amateur hour shit right there because I feel like I’m in a little baby chair at the dinner table and my parents are shoving food in my face with a little baby spoon. Maybe if I was a bitch reader like you think I am, TNY, I would let this go.  But I can’t because I represent everyone that knows better. I hope one day we storm your offices and take the power back, you uppity shitbirds. And guys, honestly, I’ve read better narrator voice from high school authors.

Narrator: Speaking of narrators, I am pretty sure that the narrator isn’t anyone other than the author in this case, which is another beef I have with this story.  This narrator is very indicative of someone with so much notoriety that they no longer see when they are poorly crafting.  NOTE TO THE AUTHOR (this is something I never do):  Maybe take a hot second to descend the mighty set of stairs that these plebes have constructed for you to get up on your douche-throne and see that you are disrespecting the art that pays you.  Your paycheck is at the expense of humanity’s empathy.  Have some fucking humility and stop being a bucket of turds, you twat.

Details:  You know what I don’t care about?  You know what no one cares about!?  The never-ending breakdown of amounts of money, the type of jet, the narrator’s opinion, all this summary, and everything else related to this story.  So why provide it?  Oh.  Ego.  Got it.  Cool story, bro.

Agenda:  Just because there is an actual opioid epidemic doesn’t mean that a story that is so specific about the epidemic should reflect that in literature.  This is especially true if the story does such a bad fucking job of attracting a fit reader.  Like, if you are going to publish something about the opioid epidemic, it might behoove you to publish a story which isn’t such a dumpster fire.  Hell, maybe do the investigative journalism required by the real-life story and print that.

Predictable:  The ending of this story can be seen in the first 200 words.  What the fuck is the point in that?  The reason Titanic works isn’t because we know the ship will sink.  It’s because we want to know what happens WITH THE FUCKING CHARACTERS; BUT WHEN YOU TELL A STORY THAT IS LESS INTERESTING THAN MY SRIRACHA SHITS THEN WHO FUCKING CARES ABOUT THE CHARACTERS, ESPECIALLY WHEN THE STORY IS SO FUCKING PREDICTABLE.

Man, what trash.  And all of that trash could be divined from the first sentence.  That sentence was so bad, in fact, that I copied and sent it to a number of other writers with far less success than the author but with 10x the skill, and we all laughed at it together.  I guess it doesn’t matter when you are TNY and you can print whatever you want and make money or you are the author and everyone loves you anyway.  I guess the art part doesn’t matter anymore.  Just those $$$ you fucking sellout posers.

Congratulations, Pizza Hut.  Coors Light.  Velveeta.  McDonalds.  OIive Garden.  Walmart. Trump.  Profit over art.  Winners all around.

Fuck your trash ass rag you dumb fucks.

Nick