June 28th, 2021 - Offside Constantly

Dear TNY,

Spoiler alert:  No one fucking cares about “Offside Constantly”.

The MC is a trashbot whose inner thoughts are boring garbage that become tiring in the first thousand words.  And because the characterization is 1) overly long as it could have been done in one fucking page and 2) characterizing a person that I don’t really feel is interesting in general, this story is agonizing to get through.  I tried for some time.  Really, I did.  But then after 5000 words of the same fucking thoughts on loop, I checked the fuck out and started skimming to get some of my life back.  Then, I thought maybe there would be some conflict in the way of the fight.  But that was boring too because it was told from the perspective of the person who was unconscious the whole time.  Cool story, bro.  Then there was an old lady in a hospital that was cardboard and used as a foil to get us to whatever the fucking transcendence for the MC was supposed to be, but her cardboardedness made her just as fucking uninteresting as the rest of this story so that delivery failed too. 

And, what was the fucking point of all this?  What’s that, TNY?  Nothing?  The point of almost every one of your stories is nothing?  Not one goddamn iota of empathy was built?  You enjoy wasting everyone’s time by assfucking (in a non-pleasurable, unkind lover kind of way) an artform into the ground?  Nice.

Well, I’m in Buffalo, NY today.  I’ll be in your neck of the woods just after the 4th of July.  Offers for beer are still open.  Take me on a tour of the office.  Explain why you pick these dickshit stories.  Acknowledge, just to my face (don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone) that you publish this shit because of the author’s name and as advertising for whatever that author is going to publish later in the year (and just like RDJ drinking a Diet Coke in an Iron Man movie, the can turned just so because an advertising behemoth paid for it to be that way, it’s just as fucking disgusting).

But hey, you think you’re awesome!  Which is also fucking disgusting!

Go fuck yourself! 

Unless you want to get beer, and then you might be pretty cool.  Super cool, actually.  That would be…hahahahaha…fucking hilariously cool. I won’t hold my breath.

Later.

Nick