March 18th, 2019 - Color and Light
Dear TNY,
I just burned through “Color and Light” and what I want to say is…fuck yes.
Now, is this story perfect? No. No it’s not. I’m gonna hit the negatives first to get those out of the way.
The first sentence contains three unnamed characters with no characterization besides one “he” being the other “he’s” brother. In a play or movie, when a character enters, they get some automatic characterization by appearance, the way they move, etc. In writing, we should try to make a first impression about the character other than what their gender identity is. We know nothing about these three people other than one familial relation, which is lazy. Additionally, I think the first page or so of banter was contradictory in spots and not as clean as the rest of the piece. My personal opinion is that this section of the story is throat-clearing by the author. As in, he or she did not hit their stride until later and you, TNY, failed to edit that throat-clearing out. And there are two totally useless paragraphs in this story. One is Aidan’s exposition on people checking out and being submissive. And the other paragraph is right after the aforementioned one, when Aidan is discussing the disposition of his dead mom’s house. They serve no purpose in this story and later, when Pauline makes a statement about the MC’s mom, that could be removed and the reader wouldn’t care.
Now, the positives. The fucking tension in this is legit. And it’s mostly sexual tension. Like, right away in the first car scene there is an undercurrent of tension. And then it builds until she is drunk in the back seat of the car. Because only then are we made aware that she did consider the after dinner invite a rejection, or at least did enough to flirt with Aidan over it. And this tension builds and builds and builds until the scene in Pauline’s house. I was slightly annoyed that Aidan left, though. Because if this was poker, he held all the cards and then threw away a good hand. It didn’t make complete sense. But I was so into the tension I wasn’t that dejected.
I also really appreciated that the author chose to keep this story almost entirely in scene. That strategy pins the reader in place because we are right there with the MC experiencing all this sexual tension and questioning right along with him. That’s fucking grand.
Also, I’m wondering how a woman would comment on this tension versus a male reader. I’m well aware that a story from a male’s perspective about sexual tension leverages a certain part of the male brain (read: a very specific sentimentality (side note: a fit male reader will reject something that feels too pornographic in plot, this story didn’t feel that way to me; it felt all tension, no “fixing the cable”)). But I wonder how a woman would read this. Is the sexual tension the same? Would it be different if the story was told from Pauline’s perspective? What if the man was the one pushing for coupling and the MC was a woman working at a hotel? I have so many questions about this that the world hasn’t set me up to answer. So, TNY, please let me know.
Hey guys, I liked this story. Good work.
Nick
